(dedicated to Doug Stanhope)

For shits and giggles, I just typed 1234 Happy Street into a mapping program. Two observations:

1. It does exist (actually 1234 Happy Road)

2. Not only does it exist, it’s nearby in Pahrump! We could be there in an hour (Las Vegas friends anyway)!

However, I have a pretty good idea of what to expect from the final destination of where the map’s directions lead (assuming its an “establishment” and not a residence of course :-). (And for the non-Nevadans reading this, the likely guess is that this leads to one of Pahrump’s legalized brothels).

Now I don’t have any serious intention of ever going there, but (hypothetically speaking for continued shits and giggles) if someone I trusted completely, or an advanced being or angel etc. of some kind told me that the world was going to end tomorrow 100% for sure, and I sincerely believed that (entity), I would undoubtedly arrive at a most interesting series of observations:

1. No one would honestly believe me if I told them the world was going to end:

a. My own family would never believe me (but to be fair, I wouldn’t believe them either if our roles were reversed)

b. Although it would seem admirable to choose to be with your family if the world was about to end, the reality is that you could never hang out with them in that situation (you know the future but they don’t) because you wouldn’t be able to shut up about the end of the world and how it’s “our last night together…” because they would just think you’re completely effing crazy, and would just get frustrated listening to you not shutting up about it. So do you really want to spend your last few hours arguing with your family over a paranormal experience until they have an intervention and eventually conspire to have you committed (and possibly arrested)? I wouldn’t….

c. Think about it: if I called you spontaneously, would you really call off work, or leave early because I left you a message telling you that the end of the world was tomorrow? And because an (entity) told me so? Probably not. You would probably think I was on drugs or setting up a practical joke.

2. There wouldn’t be enough time to save humanity: It would be difficult enough to just convince one of your neighbors the world was going to end, much less the neighborhood, city, nation, or world that it really is the last night. Realistically speaking, you could probably spread a message that would reach a lot of people, but it would be impossible to convince them of the truth of its contents; and if there was nothing we could do to change the fate of the world, why bother freaking people out?

So what’s the only conclusion? Well if I really got this prophetic message this afternoon, and no one would believe me, and there was nothing I could realistically do to warn people, and I didn’t have enough time to travel far…I just want to state for the record: It was nice knowing all of you. I’m sorry some of you have to work, and are completely oblivious to what is about to happen. However, don’t worry about me, I will be on my way to 1234 Happy Road….in a limo, and I’m going to have an awesome time once I get there…;-D

***(The Next Day Followup)***

Update in case anyone’s actually worried: The world did not end! I’m at home! The good news is that you won’t have to cancel any plans, I just hope that you didn’t spend what’s left of your life savings on hookers last night (even if you thought that it was the only night you could get away with it and no one would blame you; and in fact they (in alarmingly ironic fashion) would probably have been very disappointed in you had you not.

A few last thoughts though:

1. I might be eccentric, but no one could seriously convince me that the world is going to end tomorrow in the power of one afternoon. I would literally have to be taken on a spaceship ride to believe that, and even then I’d probably think it was all still somehow explainable.

2. But if I really did get taken on a spaceship ride, and I really did spend an afternoon being shown stunning technology while listening to enlightening and esoteric wisdom spoken to me by advanced benevolent beings… well I guess convincing me in that situation would be plausible in that extreme case after all… however, once I arrived back home, I’d still probably wind up in a limo and on my way to the town of Pahrump…

Hey, why not? If you only had one night left, would anyone really want to make weepy phone calls to everyone about how much you’re going to miss them (even though they don’t understand)? Would you want to spend your final hours wearing a rosary while repenting and trying to passionately read bible verses out loud in front of the mirror between prayers? I wouldn’t.

And if spending my last few hours of life engaged in the most profound spiritual and ‘sensual’ experience of my life with the sexiest and most intelligent girl in Pahrump (that money can buy) is wrong (even in that extreme situation), then I don’t want to be right. 🙂 And if there’s an afterlife, I want to point out that I’m also going to have instant bragging rights out of the gate… “How did you spend your last few hours on earth?” Enough said…

3. If I’m ever seriously found outside a brothel; naked, covered in vomit, and having just blown my life savings…what can I say? It was either a conspiracy, or some mischievous aliens are really good at practical jokes. Either way, it would be wonderfully poetic…